I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
