she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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