i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Blood and glitter go together right?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
