Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize