If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
