I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
