I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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