Someone shit on the floor
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
