My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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