I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
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