I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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