we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
ttyl tear gas
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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