Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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