Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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