I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
