There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Houston, we have a squirter
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
