On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
