On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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