someone get that fucking seahorse.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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