Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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