I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
