I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
