meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Randomize
