I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
