So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
