The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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