in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
