If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
