Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
