you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
