I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
