Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
