He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
