apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
