I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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