You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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