i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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