btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
