Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize