I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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