....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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