dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
