Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
