you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
