You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
