Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
