i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
