So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
