All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize