So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
