Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
