It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
