I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
