I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
