All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
