Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
