I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
