Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Randomize