And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
