why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
