My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
