explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize